Effective Communication

There are four basic types of I-Messages

DECLARATIVE I-MESSAGES

The declarative I-message is used when we simply want to express a need, desire, opinion or inner reality. We are not necessarily in conflict with someone, but are simply letting our feelings and needs be known by the others. Doing this wards off many potentially unpleasant situations in which we do not express our feelings and thoughts, and then feel others do not take us into consideration. Learning to make declarative messages makes a relationship much more equal and alive.

Suppressing our needs and emotions leads to feelings of resentment, abandonment and neglect. When our negative feelings accumulate, we are likely to lose our temper about some small insignificant event. Let us avoid these two extremes of suppression and aggression, and learn to be assertive about our needs, desires and opinions.

RESPONSIVE I-MESSAGES

When we are asked to do something with or for someone else, it is time for a responsive I-message. We must first decide very clearly whether we actually want to respond to what is being asked of us or not. It may be to lend something, to help someone, to go to dinner, to talk to someone for some time on the telephone, to take a position in an organization, or to donate money. We must decide whether we want to do what we are being asked, and why we do or do not want to do it. Then we must express our decision and why we have come to that decision. Some examples might be

«I thank you for your invitation to dinner, but I am extremely tired and prefer to get to bed early.»

«I am sorry, but I have decided that I cannot help you on Saturday because I feel my children and family need me more.»

«You know I really do not enjoy social activities very much anymore, so I don't think I will come this evening. Perhaps we can get together just the two of us some other time and have a deeper communication.»

«Yes, I would be glad to help you this weekend because I really love you very much and would like to express that love through my actions.»

Thus, the first step in making a responsive I-message is to clearly understand what we want to do and then to honestly express it. It may be possible that we will have mixed feelings. An example might be:

«I find myself in a dilemma because, on the one hand, I love you and would like to sit and listen to your problem right now, but on the other, I am exhausted and quite tense myself. Let me rest for a few hours and I will call you back.»

We have learned to avoid saying "no" at all costs; for fear the other will stop loving us or reject us. When we do something with or for someone out of fear of rejection, it is of no real value. It is better to offer less but with love rather than do something out of fear or a sense of obligation and build up feelings of resentment.
Being able to say "yes" because we love is a higher human quality and can be developed in three basic ways:

a. Diminishing our own personal needs as much as possible so they do not require much time, energy or thought.

b. Keeping our energy level up through exercises, breathing techniques, relaxation, meditation and proper dietary habits.

c. Developing a feeling of love and compassion for others.

Of course, this yes must be used with discrimination.

a. We should avoid doing for others what they can actually do for themselves. (Unless there are important reasons, why at this time we should do this for them.) By taking on the others’ responsibilities, we might hold them back in their growth process. As long as they depend on others, they will not develop the inner self-confidence, strength and responsibility necessary for their natural maturity as human beings.

b. We will also need to say not when what is requested from us is in conflict with our sense of morality, such as telling a lie.

c. And, of course, we will have to say no when we are asked to do something that is harmful to ourselves or others.

PREVENTIVE I- MESSAGES

When we have observed that a problem has developed in the past and we want to avoid the same or worse happening in the future, it is time for a preventive I-message. We hope to prevent a more serious conflict by expressing what is happening within us or what we need or will need, do or will do. The steps are:

a. We take responsibility for what we are feeling inside us, which is a result of our programming.

b. We identify what emotions and sensations we are feeling.

c. We identify what programs, needs, desires or beliefs are creating those feelings.

d. We identify the behavior of the other person that stimulates this program and the consequent unpleasant and separating feelings.

An example:

« I have a childhood conditioning that one shouldn't eat in front of others without offering them a portion. When you eat in front of me and do not offer me any, I feel disrespected and unloved. I realize that it is my problem, but I thought I should explain it to you because sometimes it affects my behavior toward you.»

Now it is time for active listening to see how the other feels. The other may have been completely unaware of the problem, or he she may have sensed it but have feared being rejected if he offered the food.

Another example:

«Dear, you know I am beginning to have negative feelings toward you lately, and I would like to discuss the problem. As you have probably realized, I have a need to be reassured of your love though affection and attention. Lately, it seems that you have been very tired or preoccupied with other things, and haven't been paying very much attention to me. Sometimes I talk to you and you do not even answer. When this happens, I feel rejected, unloved, bitter and angry toward you. I sometimes also fear that you have found someone else.

"I am trying to think positively and find strength within myself, but I do still need some more affection and attention from you. Can we discuss this? I would be very interested in what has been going on inside you all this time. I think our relationship needs this communication.»

And then we switch to active listening to understand what the other is feeling. No one has been blamed or accused of being unloving or insensitive. No feelings have been suppressed. We have a deep open communication between two responsible adults.

CONFRONTIVE I- MESSAGES

When a situation is causing us strong negative emotions and we have made some attempts to create understanding and cooperation without response, we may need to make a confrontive I-message. In addition to all the aspects of the preventive message previously mentioned, we might assertively add that we are determined to have our needs met in this situation. In some cases, when repeated communication has brought about little attention or cooperation from the other party, we may have to inform him of what we plan to do if the behavior is not changed. For example, in the previous situation, the communication may end with this message:

«And after considering all the possibilities and all of our previous attempts to solve this problem, I have come to the decision that if we cannot find a solution now and you cannot understand my needs, I have decided to leave the relationship for the time being and try living on my own.»

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