For Loved Ones with Short Term Memory Loss: Put It in Writing.

Communicating with those who have short term memory loss is difficult and frustrating. If you tell them you will visit tomorrow at three p.m.; that they should brush their teeth in the morning; or any number of things you want them to remember, your words may fly away before they can be acted upon. This is one reason it is recommended that signs be used in the homes of those with Alzheimer’s and other forms of dementia. Reminders of what is in a cupboard, a list of phone numbers near the telephone, or a sign identifying the bathroom, can be extremely helpful.

Beyond the obvious signs and directions, consider putting into writing anything you want your loved ones to think about or refer back to. A letter they can read and reread many times may be extremely effective in those instances where speaking to them directly cannot. When my father suffered from worsening short-term memory loss after my mother died, my brothers and sisters and I thought he should no longer be living alone. Several of us talked to him about this idea on the phone or when we visited him in Florida, but none of us lived nearby.

My father always said to us, “I like living where I am. I want to stay here.” But there were more and more signs that he was no longer safe living by himself. After I found an assisted living facility near me in Ithaca, New York, that I thought he’d be happy at, I wrote him a letter outlining all the reasons he should move here. I wrote one page of strong but simple arguments, stressing the positive benefits such as being closer to children and grandchildren, having his cooking and cleaning done for him, etc. I closed by saying all his children agreed it was the best thing for him to do.

The next time I talked to him, Dad said, “I’ve got this letter here I’ve read twice now, and if I read it again that will make three times.” Of course he’d probably read it many more times than that, but each time it must have seemed almost new to him. He had a chance to ponder the contents and deal with the issues in his own way in a relaxed manner without having to immediately respond to us. By the time I talked to him on the phone, he was ready to agree.

I used letter writing a number of times with my father in order to help him with his relocation and to reassure him about where he lived, where his children were, and so forth. We made lists for him and sent him letters and cards he could read and reread. All of it was comforting, I believe, and helped us to communicate better.

Consider putting it in writing when you have important things you want your loved ones with dementia to think about, or when you’re trying to convince them to take a particular plan of action, like moving out of their home. If they are having trouble putting names to faces, make a scrap book with photos listing names and other important information about each person. Put up signs, label the contents of drawers and cabinets. Make it easy for them to know what’s going on in their environment without having to remember.

When their short term memory starts to go, help your loved ones to make better use of whatever other skills are available. If Mom or Dad can still read with comprehension, put everything you can into writing so they can have the benefit of this input in addition to your spoken words. You might be surprised at how much easier and more successful your communication with them becomes.

One of the scariest things we can face as we get older is losing our mental abilities. Your loved ones dealing with memory loss must also deal with the shame and humiliation that often accompanies such loss. By assisting their communication and navigation through the written word, you help them function better and help maintain their sense of self-worth and independence.

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