He Does not Feel Comfortable with People

Thomas does not feel comfortable with people. Alice needs frequent social contact.
If it were up to Thomas, he would never have people over to his house and would never accept invitations to others’. He would like to stay home every evening and read, play around with various projects or watch TV with the family. He has never liked social contact and has never been able to engage in small talk because he doesn’t know what to say. He feels people usually talk about meaningless subjects. He would rather do something with his hands, be in his comfortable clothes and not have to talk about who is successful and who is not, who is doing what, etc?

Alice is a social being. She thrives on communicating and sharing with her friends. She likes variety and gets bored being in the house all day long. One factor is that she does not work outside the house as Thomas does. He gets his share of people and communication through his work and just wants to rest when he gets home.

Alice is alone all morning and with the children from the hour they return from school. She wants to get out or have people over. She is angry that Thomas does not understand this, and does not respect her needs. Thomas loves her and would like to respond to her needs, but for him social contact is painful and simultaneously boring and anxiety producing.

He occasionally gives in for her sake, but not nearly as much as she would like. Both feel injustice as neither is getting what he or she wants. At times, Alice’s tensions mount and she cries, occasionally shouting hysterically that he does not love her and that she is going crazy being trapped in the house. He, feeling guilty, tries to calm her, but about once every four months, he starts shouting and playing a mixture of victim and intimidator.

Each blames the other for his or her problem. Thomas, however, feels guiltier as he sees himself as somewhat abnormal in comparison to others. He understands Alice’s needs, but is powerless to respond more than the occasional compliance when he sees she is approaching her limits.

What can he do? What can they both do? What do they need to learn?

Thomas:
Could he need to learn some of the following lessons:

To realize that Alice is exactly what he needs to learn his next lesson?

That his self-worth does not depend on what about him or say about him or how they behave toward him?

That he is not in danger from the others?

That he needs to free himself from past experiences in which he felt harmed, abused, rejected, criticized or victimized?

That he needs to develop a more positive opinion of himself, his abilities and his self-worth?

That he is God’s child, an immortal soul in the process of evolution and has the same power and the same value of any other being?

That he needs to express himself more dynamically?

To develop greater love and closeness to others?

To see the others as manifestations of the one God?

To have faith that nothing will ever happen to him that is not what is best for his spiritual process? To learn to see the beauty in each person and connect to that?

To realize that he can learn as much from people as he can from books?

To see each person as his brother or sister? To be able to make more sacrifices for Alice’s sake?

Alice:
Could she, on the other hand, need to learn some of the following lessons:

To develop interests or creative activities that will make her time at home more fulfilling?

To develop an interest in spiritual growth, prayer or meditation?

To understand Thomas’ problem and not pressure him?

To get out by herself and not be limited to going out only when he is in the mood (perhaps he will follow)? To learn to be more satisfied from within?

To participate with Thomas in those activities he enjoys at home?

To express her needs in a calmer and clearer way without accusing or blaming Thomas?

To realize that she did not marry to him by chance, but that he is exactly what she needs to learn her next lesson?

With self-analysis, honest communication and the desire to solve the problem, they will find solutions.

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