He Doesn't Love Me

Sonia is unhappy because she feels her husband Philip does not love her. How does she know this? He is not affectionate with her. He does not agree with her. He does not like how she cooks or cleans the house. He criticizes and rejects her. He raises his voice in arguments.

She feels very unlucky and unhappy. She is depressed and that causes her to sit for hours and feel sorry for herself. She becomes aggressive toward Philip, accusing him of being a "donkey," an insensitive slob who is making her life miserable.

Philip also feels unhappy. He believes his wife does not love and respect him. She doesn’t attend to the house as he would like her to. She raises her voice. She constantly criticizes him. She doesn’t recognize how much he works for her and the children. She doesn’t respect him as the man, the king of the house. This is not what he expected. He wanted a wife who would gladly wait on him and serve his every need when he came home, not bombard him with complaints and criticism.

Sonia cannot see Philip's love in his actions and interprets his inability to be affectionate or to express his devotion as lack of love. For him, it is not "manly" to express his love. He has been programmed by his family to be the "king of the home" and to be served. His work is outside of the home. This is what he learned as a child.

Philip cannot see Sonia’s needs and understand the pain behind her complaints and accusations. She needs him to express his love in other ways besides bringing home money. He cannot understand this. It was enough for his mother, why is not enough for his wife? He feels cheated too. He cannot understand why she is so unhappy.

Each needs the other to confirm his and her self-worth and neither is getting it. Both feel cheated. Both were hoping for something more from the other.

If they are together to learn, then what are their lessons?

Sonia:

Does she need to see his love in his actions and realize that he cannot express his love or emotions in other ways?

Does she need to learn to be surer of her self-worth and thus not need his affirmation?

Perhaps she needs to learn to express her needs in a way that doesn’t put him on the defensive.

Perhaps she needs to respect and love herself more.

She most likely needs to free her own self image from his behavior.

Philip:

Does he need to free himself from programmings which make him unable to express his emotions and his love or affection?

Does he need to understand Sonia’s needs and feelings? Perhaps he needs to reevaluate his perception of what is "manly."

Does he also need to accept himself so as not to be susceptible to her criticism?

Does he need to work on his childhood years?

Should he also express his needs in a way that does not hurt Sonia?

The answers lie in their being able to look at themselves, take responsibility for the reality they are creating, and accept that the other is reflecting onto them something in their own selves that needs to be transformed. This means learning life lessons. A later chapter is dedicated to this process.

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