Spring Cleaning - The Gender Factor

Do you like to gamble? Gambling has never much appealed to me but I would be prepared to bet that I can determine your gender simply by asking you two questions. You must give an honest answer immediately, without conferring with any third party, and only your first answer will count. These are the questions:

1. Is your house dusty?

2. When are you going to start your Spring cleaning?

If you answered "don't know" to the first question and had no answer to the second, you are almost certainly male. (If you are male, you should not read any further here, it won't interest you.) A man will not know, without having to check, whether his house is dusty, the thought would just never occur to him. A woman will answer either "yes" or "no" and, if the answer is affirmative, she will have a plan for imminent dust removal.

As to the second question, any answer giving an exact or provisional date (even one that starts: "I'm not sure but…") will indicate that the reply has been made by a female. Silence resulting from amusement or bemusement will indicate a male presence. If you are a man reading this, you will be muttering "how would it matter?". See, I told you not to read on.

It is a fact that men don't see Spring cleaning in the same way as women. Dust is completely invisible to men until it is drawn to their attention and even then, they cannot recognise it as the enemy.

The importance of the Spring Cleaning ritual is not understood by men. The most common male response to a request for assistance with Spring cleaning is: "What, now?". Women must be careful not to fall into the trap of answering: "No, let's leave it until Autumn" men will not detect the hint of sarcasm and will go fishing or continue watching TV with a clear conscience.

Even after agreeing to participate in the Spring cleaning, men have a tendency to wander away before the job is anywhere near finished. This does not indicate any unwillingness to help, it's just that men have no way of knowing when the task is complete. The problem is that Spring cleaning inevitably involves tidying things away. Extensive experiments show that it is impossible to teach a man that "untidy" and leaving things lying around because he might want to use them again are the same thing. Women - don't fall into the trap of suggesting your husband should get rid of all the cupboards and just leave everything lying around conveniently for future use: he'll think you are serious.

If a man promises to contribute to the Spring cleaning by dusting shelves while his wife scours the kitchen cupboards, she will not be impressed if she returns to find the dust undisturbed and her husband happily engrossed in a book. If she asks a perfectly reasonable question like: "Do you have any intention of helping with the Spring cleaning or are you saving the dust until it's three feet thick?" he will be genuinely baffled as to why she should be so put out.

There is no way I'd admit this to men, but I do sort of see their point. The thing is, although I'm sure female standards in the war against dust are right and should be upheld, who is more relaxed and happy? Is it really so important that dust be removed practically before it has settled? Quentin Crisp assures us in his autobiography that, after the first four years, the dust doesn't get any worse. I often wonder about this but I know, deep down, I wouldn't last beyond four days if I attempted to reproduce this experiment. I'm sure my husband could do it, if I let him!

If a woman did no house cleaning for weeks and then asked her husband: "Do you notice anything different?" His reaction would be the stammering panic which is inevitably inspired by this question while he desperately tries to figure out if she has had her hair restyled, is wearing a new outfit or has undergone cosmetic surgery since he last really looked at her. Give him a million guesses and not one will involve the vacuum cleaner.

My belief is that these differences in attitude are due to nature and nothing to do with training - women are born with a dust detection gene that men lack. This gene has not yet been identified by the scientists but I suspect it will turn out to be closely associated with the gene that enables women to spot a chipped manicure or last season's lip colour instantly. Perhaps we have this gene in place of the ability to read maps gene.

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