Affluent Intimate Abuser: Oxymoron or Social Secret

He/she is ever so nice…famous…accomplished; certainly not the type to injure, rape or kill. These are the most common words we hear from the outside looking in at affluent intimate abusers after the violence has occurred. Intimate abuse is a “private” matter within a relationship; it is kept behind closed doors and often camouflaged by contradictory characteristics. Would you know an intimate abuser if you saw one?

An affluent abuser is typically raised by an excessively controlling parent—one who drives, directs and dictates his/her child’s life. Often the abused child internalize the controlling parent’s vision with such vigor that it become his or her own.

As adolescents and adults, they are narcissistic and self-centered—expecting the world to revolve around them and continuously cater to their needs. They show little to no empathy for others’ feelings and experience. It is not uncommon for them to have been routinely doted upon by members of their immediate birth family. They are the princes/kings of their family.

When things are not going their way, they become explosive and sometimes quite violent. Their family members, especially the siblings, are often aware of this; yet perceive it as merely a “bad temper.”

These abusers present to the world a face that is accomplished, successful, focused and in control, and command social respect for these attributes. They achieve their goals and desires, and are excellent at manipulating situations to their liking.

Affluent abusers want what they want when they want it, and do not take “no” for an answer. Even though they may suggest they are accepting another’s “no,” they are working toward converting that “no” into a “yes,” and they view doing so as a challenge.

Internally, they feel deserving of having all their requests fulfilled and project a heightened arrogance and an inflated confidence. But at the core, the affluent abuser questions his or her self-worth and strives to validate it through dysfunctional alliances with love objects.

Their love partners are not “partners;” rather they are objects, which intimate abusers possess, own and control. They use money, status, prestige, etc. to gain emotional commitment and compliance from these partners. Once they're won over their intimate partner, the abuser keeps them in a subservient position to maintain control.

Affluent intimate abusers are both admired and feared by their partners. In the relationship, they are controlling, manipulative, extremely jealous, hypersensitive, insensitive, self-righteous and demanding; yet they also are life-sustaining to their intimate other. They are noted for “carrotting” their love and affections (offering it conditionally); routinely externalizing their problems and issues; and isolating their partners from all other sources of support. They cultivate a relationship climate of deception, dominance and dependency.

They use battering to keep the relationship dynamic in check. If and when the intimate partner pulls away—physically or emotionally—they escalate the violence to regain control over the love object. The seemingly “out-of-character” violent assault can come in the form of a psychological, physical or sexual altercation with the partner. Both partners of intimate abuse share a private roller-coaster ride with varying bumps of romance and violation, and their abusive relationship becomes the hidden glue binding the couple.

If you, or someone you know, is living this cycle of intimate partner abuse, seek help now before it spirals out of control. See the subtle signs of spousal abuse and unlock its grip before anyone gets hurt.

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