Emotional Strengthening for Alzheimer's Family Caregivers 2: Our Divided Minds Create Stress

Our Divided Minds

This is the second excerpt from the book "Strength in Caring: Giving Power Back to the Alzheimer's Caregiver." It shows how our thoughts influence our feelings, and how extreme thinking can actually increase a caregiver's stress level. This article is inspired by the work of Albert Ellis, Ph.D.

Harry is a caregiver. He takes care of his wife Alice, who has been recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. Harry is beginning to feel some emotional ups and downs as he takes care of Alice. He notices that there are times when he is doing very well with helping Alice and he feels OK-like he is going with the flow. And then there are other times…

At those other times, Harry feels tense, under pressure, tired. His fuse is shorter: things that normally wouldn’t bother him just seem to get under his skin. His emotions seem to be on a roller coaster, which he cannot control.

So, there are times when Harry feels more or less on top of things, and then there are other times when he feels that things are more or less on top of him. What accounts for the difference?

Harry keeps a journal. In it, he writes down his thoughts and his feelings. When he looks it over, he realizes some interesting things. He notices that he has a great many thoughts going on all the time. He also notices that sometimes he is thinking more sensibly, and those are the times when he is doing his best as a caregiver. His thoughts make sense, even when things around him are stressful. At those times, he notices that he is thinking thoughts such as:

• "Things can be more difficult now. I know that I can deal with them one at a time, and take advantage of breaks."

• "There are times when Alice will be confused. These are challenges, but they aren’t impossible to handle."

• "It is very sad to see some of the changes in Alice, but I can deal with them."

• “I sure don’t like what is going on, but I can make the best of the situation.”

• “How can I best enjoy my time with Alice?”

At these times, he reports that he feels reasonably sad and stressed, but that he is able to cope and find some comfort. This makes it easier as well to help Alice. His feelings are not overwhelming him. He feels more in control. Things seem difficult, but not impossible, and he is able to notice some of the good things that are happening. He feels stronger and more flexible.

At other times, Harry notices that his thoughts are more extreme. They can be very strong and insistent. But they don’t quite add up. They don’t make sense, when Harry actually thinks about them. We can call them extreme thoughts: they seem more exaggerated, demanding, and irrational. These thoughts can come on very quickly and powerfully. Some of Harry’s extreme thoughts are:

• "This will be terrible, horrible, miserable,"

• "This is horribly unfair, and I cannot stand it,"

• "What did I do to deserve this?"

• “I am a failure because I can’t do everything possible for Alice.”

At these times, Harry notices that he's feeling much worse-even overwhelmed- and that it is much harder to cope with his own distress or to help Alice effectively-or even at all. He feels like he is trying to swim upstream with his hands tied.

As Harry pays more attention to what he is thinking, he is beginning to notice a very important thing-he is learning that his thoughts affect how he feels. When he thinks more extreme thoughts, he feels much more distressed, upset, and less in control. When he thinks more sensibly, he feels calmer, stronger and more in control.

Conclusion: our minds are busy and filled with all kinds of thoughts. Some make sense, others do not, and some are in between- and these are just the ones that we are aware of. And, as you will see, this can effect how we feel under stress.

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