Boys Will Be Boys?

I am a regular viewer of “Spike” television, a cable channel purportedly dedicated to the needs and interests of men. I’m familiar with Spike because it carries the only television shows I regularly watch (Star Trek: Voyager and Star Trek: The Next Generation). While I always skip through the commercials on my shows, I still catch enough of the ads to know that, according to Spike, men in America are interested in 3 things: 1) violence; 2) scantily clad women and 3) Oh….maybe there were just 2 things on Spike’s list.

I’ve been reflecting on narrow ideas about gender this week. Where do they come from, and what do they serve? During graduate school I spent years reading and writing about the etiology of patriarchy and its ramifications on our culture. Back then, I focused mostly on how limited beliefs about gender harm women (and they certainly do). But as Father’s Day approaches, I find myself reflecting on how our culture’s stereotypes impact men.

We’ve all heard and perhaps perpetuated those tired ideas: Men can’t express themselves emotionally. They are quick to anger. They aren’t intuitive or empathetic. They aren’t interested in authentic relationships. They won’t ask for directions.

If it’s no longer considered acceptable (or, at least, politically correct) to say that women are poor athletes or inferior business people, that they are moody, or too sensitive or too emotional, or intellectually inferior…then why do we still perpetuate sexist ideas about men?

Male stereotypes, like all biases, are self-reinforcing. They create beliefs that cause us to look for evidence to support them, while being oblivious to what doesn’t. And if our beliefs shape reality, then perhaps we need to examine what sort of reality we want to create around gender identity.

It is true that everyone in western culture carries the imprint of 5,000 year-old gender biases. The stories we tell ourselves about how men and women function are remnants of ancient cultures that reinforced rigid sexual roles through violence. Since those roles don’t allow for the full expression of each person’s unique gifts, isn’t it time we decided to stop perpetuating them?

The two most important men in my own life, my husband David and my Dad, defy traditional male stereotypes on a regular basis. A few images come to mind: Dad holding my four-year old self and crying with me at the death of my kitten. David surprising our daughter Maddie by dressing up in a life-sized shark costume for her undersea adventure party. Dad walking in the rain with Maddie. David whispering to our daughter Bridget and sitting with her for hours in the intensive care unit after her heart surgeries. Dad at Mom’s birthday party, reading out loud a multi-page list of all the things he appreciates about her. David in Brazil at the Casa Dom Inacio, praying for hours for healing for Bridget and Maddie and our whole family. David surprising me with flowers and a note about what a great Mom I am when I felt like a parenting failure.

And then I recall other wonderful men I have known: My Grandpa, who regularly cooked and vacuumed, rarely spoke a cross word and told my Grandma every day that she was beautiful. My uncles, who visit their father at the nursing home and give my Dad rides to dialysis so my Mom can have a break. My brother Bryan, a father whose patience outmatches mine any day and who is delighted to stay home with his three kids while his wife goes to work. The professors, employers and colleagues who challenged and respected me and encouraged me to grow.

The men that I love are not stereotypes. They are complex, multi-faceted individuals who deserve to be seen and responded to moment to moment.

This week I attended my daughter Maddie’s elementary field trip. It was the last day of the year at her Montessori school. I was touched throughout the day by the level of easy affection the children displayed together: holding hands, hugging, walking arm in arm. What moved me the most, however, were the interactions I witnessed between the boys. I saw boys playing with each other’s hair and patting each other on the back. I watched one fourth grader, disconsolate at the fact he wouldn’t be returning next year, embraced not only by one of the girls in his class but also by a sixth grade boy, who held him until his sobs quieted.

These kids gave a whole new meaning to the saying “boys will be boys.” The boys I saw were happy, caring, sensitive, kind, expressive, strong people, comfortable in their own skin. I have every hope we can create a world where I would not be surprised by boys like this. In honor of Father’s Day and the men in my life, I have made a conscious decision to expect it, and to quit looking for evidence to support my own biases. (Now, if they would just run the Star Trek shows on another channel….)

Happy Father’s Day to all Dads, and my heartfelt appreciation to all of the nurturing men and boys on the planet. We need you!

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