Creating Incredible Relationships

If you are like me (as the old gag goes - 'I know I am') you may be tempted to fall into a trap in relationships. The trap I mean is thinking that having a healthy relationship will make me happy. However, maybe that is completely backwards.

Maybe it is when we are happy that we create healthy relationships. But, wait a minute! A healthy relationship can obviously contribute to happiness. So, where do we start?

Everybody has a 'mood' that is most typical for them. It may be a good mood; it may be a not so good mood. For most of us our typical mood may range from the fairly good to the fairly bad with occasional excursions to the extremes.

The problem with moods is that we broadcast them. We think we are hiding how we feel, but really we might as well walk into a room and shout 'Hey, I have not had a decent relationship for years and I am about to go off and join a leper colony!'.

The problem is our body language is telling the world how we feel. The other people may not be aware of it consciously, but often they will pick up 'something' about us. This means that they will either be attracted (if their mood is in harmony with ours), or repelled (if their mood is out of harmony with ours).

Don't worry. This does not mean we have to spend the rest of our lives hiding under the bed! The key is knowing how to shift the mood we are in to a better one. Like many powerful things the way to do this is very simple.

Moods are on the 'feeling' level. However, moods are not created on the feeling level. Moods are created by our thoughts. These thoughts may be unconscious, but if we look we will find there is a particular stream of thoughts that go with any particular mood.

The fundamental key to shifting a mood is to become aware of the thoughts behind it and challenge them. It really helps to do this on paper rather than just trying to sort it all out in your head.

One technique goes like this: Get a piece of paper and draw two vertical lines so that there are three roughly equal columns.

On the left column write down all the thoughts that come into your head, no matter how awful (leave a gap of a four or five lines between them). The more ridiculous, or childish, they seem the better.

For example: say you are about to go to a party and you are getting moody or edgy about it. The thoughts might go like this: "There is no point in going. I never meet anyone I like. It is all a waste of time. They won't like me. There are all a bunch of losers anyway.".

Tip: do NOT write how you feel ('I feel angry...', etc.) as that is not a thought and gives you nothing to contradict.

Once you have some things in the left column (don't be surprised if you need more than one page!) you can work through them one at a time and by filling in the middle and right hand columns.

Look at the first thought you wrote down. Read it over and then in the middle column for that row write, 'This is just a thought'. That's it, for the middle column. You have begun to take charge of your thinking process and a new life awaits you.

Now it the right column write down some thoughts you would rather have instead.
If the thought was 'I never meet anyone I like'. Other thoughts might be: 'Some kinds of events don't work well for me, but others do', 'Actually I met someone really nice when I went to... etc.'. Try and come up with at least three alternative constructive thoughts if you can.

If the thought was 'Nobody likes me'. Other thoughts might be: 'Not everyone likes me, but some people do', 'Nobody is liked by everyone...', .etc..

Then work through the other thoughts you listed and do the same things. Go to your second thought that is causing your mood and in the middle column write, 'This is just a thought'. Again, in the right hand column, write thoughts that contradict it.

If you get stuck in contradicting some thoughts then just move on. You'll get better at the trickier ones with practice.

After you have done this you will most likely find that your mood has shifted to a much better one. It may not get you from being really down to feeling over the moon (though sometimes it will), but it will usually always help you feel better. If you do this regularly, your general overall mood and attitude to yourself, your life and other people, will improve (even if it was already good to begin with) and you'll find yourself attracting a healthier type of person.

You may also find that is helps to be aware of the event that triggered the mood. Perhaps someone you know seemed to avoid you, or someone you liked did not reply to an email. Being aware of the triggers of our moods can help us intervene earlier and guide ourselves out of negative emotional mazes back to a happy and healthier life - and therefore into happier and healthier relationships.

If you want a more sophisticated way of doing something similar try these books:

Feeling Good, David D. Burns.
Choose to be Happy, Wayne Froggatt.

The way to create incredible relationships is to start managing your feelings and moods. Life then gets much better, as a result of that, you'll find that your relationships will get much better too.

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