His Wife Is Never Home

Bill feels rejected and demeaned by the fact that his wife Antonia is out of the house so much.

He has expressed his displeasure in a number of ways, including reasoning with her, criticizing her, accusing her and even threatening her in various ways. She reacts aggressively and threatens him with divorce.

He does not want her to leave, but he is extremely unhappy about her adamant refusal to comply with his wishes. Besides the fact that many of his needs are not being fulfilled, he also feels he has lost his self-worth as a man since he cannot "control" his wife. He feels "castrated" by her behavior.

His mother would never have thought of going out of the house for her own needs. She existed only for her husband and children. She had no other interests outside of her family. This is why Bill reacted so negatively when Antonia first started to attend classes while he was at work. He could not comprehend that she could be interested in something besides himself and their children. He feared where this unfamiliar behavior might lead. Thus, he commanded her to stop, assuming that with such a command everything would end. "How could she possibly not obey her husband’s command?" But this only made her more determined to assert her freedom, and not only did she not stop, but she added even more classes.

Antonia had had enough suppression as a child and is now determined to protect her freedom. All of the rebelliousness she did not express as an adolescence is being released on Bill. She is fighting for her freedom. Bill is fighting for his image of what a wife should be like (his mother), and also for his self-worth as a man and as a husband.

The more Bill tries to control Antonia, the she reacts. The more she reacts, the angrier he becomes. They are two intimidators in deadlock. She threatens to leave, he threatens to cut off her money and use physical violence.

The truth is that Antonia is not exactly happy with what she is doing. She also has some of those same programmings about what a wife and mother should be like and feels a considerable amount of guilt that she has never expressed to Bill. Of course, Bill on the other hand, expresses only his anger and never his feelings of hurt and rejection.

Perhaps if Antonia could talk about her fear of being controlled and her doubts and guilt, and Bill could talk about his fears and self doubt, they could transform this problem into a learning experience for both of them and address the real issues.

What could their lessons be here?

Bill:
Could he need to learn some of the following lessons:

To feel happy and fulfilled and worthy even when Antonia is not there?

To communicate his need for her to be there more clearly, assertively and lovingly?

To love and accept her as she is?

To search (perhaps with her) for what he might be doing that might be causing her to want to be out so much?

To not take this personally and realize that Antonia’s need is not an expression of rejection or a lack of love toward him, but simply a need or interest that she has?

Not to measure his self-worth by the attention he receives from her?

Not to nag about this, but to discuss it openly and without accusations?

To learn to have more personal interests to fill his own time? To join her in what she is doing?

To free himself from beliefs that he does not deserve something better.?

That he cannot expect something more satisfying?

To get free from childhood experiences that have created his expectations?

To express his needs more frequently and to think of interesting things they can do together?

Antonia:
Could she need to learn some of the following lessons:

To be even more assertive in establishing her rights?

To work on her feelings of suppression from her childhood years so she does not feel so limited by her home and her husband?

To realize that freedom is internal and not external?

To see that freedom also means to be free enough from her own needs so she may consider her husband’s needs?

To express her love to her husband in other ways so he does not interpret her behavior as a lack of love? To learn to communicate more clearly with him so he does not feel rejection because of her behavior?
To find a balance between her need for external activities and her need to be there for her husband and her family?

To be able to express to Bill what is going on inside her and what he does that brings those reactions to the surface?

To remember that she would not like to be in his position and that he is not responsible for her childhood years that have created this reaction?

That her happiness and fulfillment are within her and not in her external activities?

To not be offended or hurt by Bill's behavior?

To understand him?

To decide which is more important, her harmonious family life and her family's feelings or her "freedom"?

Both need to start a process of self-analysis, revaluation of old programmings and more honest communication.

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