To Communicate or Not?

Melina solves her problems by talking. Melina has learned to get what she wants in a very subtle ways by using her logic and debating abilities to get her husband to see things the way she does or do things in the way she would like.

This is essential for her because her fears cause her to be dependent on and thus need to control her husband Kostas for her sense of security. Her father died when she was only two and she has now found both a husband and a father in Kostas.

She has two basic prerequisites in order to feel secure. The first is the need to control people and events so she can feel safe. Secondly, she must have Kostas by her side and convince him that her way is right.

As a result, Melina has become the perfect "lawyer" who thinks out beforehand each strategy concerning what she is going to say to Kostas to convince him to give in to her way.

Kostas had an overbearing mother who suppressed him and did not allow him any freedom of expression. He suffocated under her strong personality. He moved into two roles to protect himself. First, he would try the role of the "Aloof," ignoring her when she came asking something. When that did not work, as he grew older, he would resort to the "intimidator," raising his voice and creating fear so she would retreat and leave him alone. He now identifies talking with being controlled.

Subsequently, when Kostas feels intimidated by Melina’s talking, he himself becomes an "intimidator" in order to protect himself. She then moves into the role of the "victim," feeling hurt that Kostas has raised his voice and spoken aggressively.

Both, controlled by lingering childhood needs and fears, are now deadlocked into this reoccurring game. Melina plays the "interrogator" and then the "victim" in order to get what she wants from Kostas. Kostas plays the "aloof" and then the "intimidator" in order to establish his freedom from being controlled.

Another factor which aggravates the problem, is that both are also playing the "who is right" game. Each needs to be right and have the other accept his or her rightness. This causes them get locked for hours into endless rebuttals and counter rebuttals as each tries to prove his or her point. This usually ends up with Kostas shouting and then becoming aloof and Melina's going off to cry.

What might they have to learn?
Melina:
Does she need to learn to feel safe even when she cannot control people and events?

Or to feel safe without Kostas?

Or that she can feel her self-worth without proving to the other that she is right?

Does she need to find a better timing concerning when to approach Kostas?

Perhaps she needs to work on her fear of abandonment created by her loss of her father as a child.

Does she need to see how her need to control is pushing Kostas into becoming intimidating and aloof?

Perhaps she needs to feel secure within herself.

Or perhaps she must discover what it is she might be doing that causes the other not to feel safe communicating.

Should she learn to feel unity with Kostas even without verbal communication?

Or perhaps to talk less or only about essential subjects?

Or to have more self-confidence?

Or to be able to let some things pass and develop on their own without feeling the need to plan and control absolutely everything?

Or to accept and love herself even when he cannot respond?

Perhaps she must express her needs and feelings clearly, lovingly and assertively or become more interested in his needs and not only in her need to talk.

She may need to find new ways to create feelings of unity between them and to learn to leave him alone for a period of time to allow him to open up at his own rate.

Kostas:
Does he need to learn to listen to Melina without the fear of being controlled?

Does he need to understand her needs and fears? Perhaps he needs to work with his own fears of being controlled, especially by a woman.

Perhaps if he gave more attention to Melina voluntarily, she would not need to solicit his attention in ways that are unpleasant for him.

Does he too need to get free from the need to have her accept that he is right?

How can they come together? They will have to discover his or her lesson and learn it. They can accomplish this through self-analysis and a desire to reestablish their love without fear and games.

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