Creating a Loving Relationship

The maturer we are when we enter a relationship, the more likely we are to succeed in finding the harmony we desire. We will want to consider the following:

a. Clarify Values, Needs, Life Style:

In general, we attract persons who correspond to our present stage of interests, motives, values, goals, etc. This occurs through the attraction of similars or opposites. As we ourselves mature and become more aligned to our true selves, we will attract people who are aligned to our true selves.

If we connect with someone at an early stage of our life and then begin to experience changes in values and ideals, it is very possible that our partner may not be able to make the same changes. This creates problems for both.

We would do best to begin a process of self-knowledge and determine what we really want out of life. We need to clarify our values, needs and preferred life style. Having done so, we will then attract a partner with whom we can share whatever is important to us.

From the spiritual level, we are already in union with every being on this earth. When we choose one particular love partner, it is because we hope to supplement and support each other in our physical, mental, emotional, material and spiritual needs. Although the other cannot give us what we do not have, he or she can work together with us toward finding mutual self-fulfillment.

b. Learn to love yourself:

If we do not believe we are lovable or loved, it is unlikely we will attract a mate who will abundantly express love to us. We attract those who will reflect to us the very same feelings we harbor for ourselves. Even if the other does not reject us, we will frequently project or imagine that he or she is doing so.

We exhaust our partners with our need for continuous reaffirmation of their love. When we doubt our self-worth, we easily fear losing the other’s respect, admiration and love. We fear losing the other to someone else. We then become negative, possessive, jealous and often so overbearing that we suffocate the other until he or she does actually leave. And, even if he or she does not leave, he or she will be unhappy and develop various protective mechanisms, such as aloofness or aggressiveness.

When we doubt our self-worth, we are in a very difficult position in any relationship. Our need to be accepted and affirmed by our partner often causes us to deny our own feelings, needs, beliefs and values. We try to become who we believe the other wants us to be. We cannot bear for the other to be dissatisfied or angry with us. We are afraid we are at fault or that the other will leave us.

c. Develop Inner security.

The same is true concerning our feelings of inner security. If we have been programmed to believe that we are not safe alone in the world without our partner, we become a burden on him or her. (This is regardless of the fact that the other may get energy from our dependence.) This does not help either of us. We are denying our real selves, our real power, and our spiritual nature.

I have heard a number of women confess that they have stayed with their husbands, who were cheating on them for years, not because they loved them, or believed they would ever change, but because they feared being alone, especially economically.

In a sense, these women were bartering their self-respect and happiness for a false sense of security.

It is essential that we build our feelings of self-worth and inner security so we can love the other without becoming dependent upon him or her. In this way, we will be more alive and truer to ourselves in the relationship. Only in this way can we be with the other because we love him or her and not because we fear being alone.

Internal preparation is necessary before we will be mature enough to succeed in really using the opportunities a loving union with another fellow being offers.

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