There’s an expression so widespread that it’s now almost become a conversation cliché:

“It’s not what you said, it’s the way that you said it.”

People use this phrase when they’ve interpreted something contradictory to what someone actually says through their choice of words. For example, when asked by his wife what he thinks of her new hairstyle, a husband might reply: “Yeah, it looks good.” If written down on paper, his statement would give a clear message: that he likes her new hairstyle and that she has nothing to worry about. But spoken out loud, the same four words can have a completely different meaning, maybe without the husband even realising. From the flow, speed, pauses, inflections and overall delivery of his reply, his wife might easily interpret that he thinks it doesn’t look good on her. In fact, that it looks so bad he needs to lie simply to avoid hurting her feelings.

The lesson that can be learned from this all-too-common example of speech style interpretation is that the way we say something can send out a completely different – and often stronger – message than what we say and the words we choose to verbally express our statements.

Often, to avoid having to actually come out and say it directly, people consciously alter the style in which they say something to let others know they feel a certain way. For example, a young guy wants to go out for the evening for a meal and maybe a few drinks, so puts the idea across to his girlfriend. She, however, would rather have a quiet night in. So, what’s the best way for her to tell him this? She doesn’t want to simply state: “No. I want to stay in tonight,” which is her true sentiment, because it could easily be seen by her boyfriend as demanding and selfish. So, she structures her reply more craftily: “Yeah, we could, I suppose. Umm, yeah…okay.” Once again, her words say one thing while her speech style says another. No one could fail to notice the hesitancy and uncertainty in her voice. So, she’s let her boyfriend know that she’s not keen on going out that night, while effectively side-stepping the possibility of sounding like a controlling, self-interested partner. Her boyfriend, hearing her reply, knows she doesn’t want to go out but can’t accuse her of being selfish – as she seemed to at least try and agree with the idea. It was only the sound of her voice and delivery of her reply – both manufactured – which clued him in on her real feelings.

But there are also times when people don’t realise the contradictory message their speech style gives out – most notably, when they lie. Instead of consciously using pauses and special tonal inflections to get their own way, they’re produced naturally, uncontrollably and, 99% of the time, unknowingly. Just like the production of body tells that signal deceit, liars also give audible clues to their dishonesty. And, just like facial expressions, movement of the eyes, gesticulations of the hands and the actions of the lower body, they can be read and ultimately used to gauge how truthful or dishonest a person is.

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