She Loves Him But is Not

Betty loves Stan but she is not "in love" with him. He has proposed marriage. What she should do?

Betty admires many of Stan’s qualities. He is honest, caring, responsible, talented, organized, clear thinking, ethical and has many other qualities that a woman would logically want in a man but she does not feel that spark of "Eros" for him. This is important for her. She needs to feel this erotic spark. It makes her feel alive; it gives her meaning, a reason to live. This spark has always awakened her and brought her joy, but it has never lasted.

Now thirty-six, Betty had experienced Eros five times in her life. She even married once based on that feeling, but it lasted only five years, mainly because they had a child. What should she do? Should she wait for that feeling again? Should she settle on the love and respect she feels for Stan? And, if after she gets married, someone appears who sparks that feeling in her, will she regret marrying Stan? Will she be able to be faithful?

She thinks, "Why couldn’t Stan be a little less organized and programmed, a little crazier, and perhaps less committed to his responsibilities? He could even be less understanding, mean and angry at times? I think then I could feel that way toward him."

She actually told him these thoughts jokingly. He laughed, but didn't give them much thought. For him "Eros" was an illusion that lasted only a short period of time, and then either needed to be transformed into a stable love and respect relationship, end up in unhappiness and usually separation. Now forty, he had felt it a number of times in his life and allowed himself a few times to act on that feeling but it never worked out for him.

He is now interested in a conscious love relationship in which two people share life, its ups and downs, and yes, its responsibilities.

All this makes Betty afraid she will be bored with Stan. What should she do? Should she accept this offer of a relationship that would satisfy almost all her needs except for that spark of Eros, or should she wait and see if she might meet someone who will make her feel that way again? The latter has never worked out before! She is really confused, and Stan, and of course, her parents are pressuring her.

Stan is clear about what he wants but feels hurt by Betty’s hesitation. This causes him to doubt whether she is right for him. He wants someone who will be suitable for a stable relationship. On the other hand, he is attracted to her vitality and freedom of expression, something that is lacking in his character. She makes him feel alive. Although she is very different from him and he can not be like her, he is attracted to her and wants to be with her.

What do they need to learn? What are their lessons here?

Betty:

Has it come time to chose love over Eros, or is Eros the way to go?

Is her lesson to wait for that special feeling, or realize that feeling will never last and find an internal stimulant to fulfill that need?

Perhaps she needs to help Stan become freer in his expression.

Perhaps she needs to let go of old perceptions and needs. Is her lesson to ignore this pressure from Stan and her parents and do what she wants?

Does she need to become more responsible? Is she addicted to external stimuli?

Does she need to develop a deeper relationship with herself?

Is she offering Stan what he needs in order for him to become the person she wants him to be?

Is she afraid of commitment?

Does she need to overcome her fear of being limited in a relationship?

Is she afraid of abandonment or being hurt and is simply hiding behind this Eros attachment?

Does she need to learn to be happy alone? Does she need to perk up her relationship with Stan?

Stan:

Does he need to find his own source of vitality and expression and not look for it in Betty?

Does he need to stop pressuring her and let her decide when she is ready?

Should he look for someone more compatible and more ready?

Should he be more complete in himself, and perhaps cultivate those feminine aspects of his own being?

Should he become more carefree, as Betty would like?

Is he, too, afraid and thus choosing someone who is not ready to commit?

Does he need to approach Betty in other ways and develop other aspects of himself so they will be more compatible?

Should he reconsider being attracted to someone so different from him who also has doubts?

May they be guided to the inner work that will allow them to make the right decisions.

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