Questioning My Sanity
At times I feel
bombarded with information. Promises of products, individuals, systems that
will give me the answers, answers like, how to be more beautiful, how to
lose weight easily, how to find that special someone, how to get money or
whatever it is I desire.
Maybe itís just me, but it seems that more and more, information or
promises such as those previously mentioned are being pitched to and
advertised in the societal mainstream. Perhaps this gives reference to the
idea that we are all seekers of something. Be it knowledge, spirituality or
some quick fix way to obtain our desires; if you look, itís all out
there. Iíve been searching for something since I can remember. That
something didnít really present itself through my studies of religion,
science, philosophy or all the other stuff I tried. But I continue
searching, thinking that when I find that next thing, thatíll be it for
sure. Instead I find myself going further down the rabbit hole of
mysteriousness. I have these conversations with myself; I ask myself, how
will I know when I find it, if I donít know what it is? Iíll just know when
I see or hear it. I answer myself, leading me to question my sanity. Not
for searching for something for which I have no clue, but for talking to
myself. After all, society doesnít view that as a positive thing.
There are no coincidences and one-day I happened to stumble on to
something while surfing the net. A site that when I read it, something
resonated within me. I communicated with this wonderful soul who started me
on an incredible journey. A journey that could lead to the answers Iíd been
looking for. However, it was nothing like I expected. No meetings or
lectures to attend, no books to buy, nothing I thought finding what I was
searching for would entail. Instead it was work; really difficult and
sometimes painful work. Not pain from physical labour, but from taking a
long hard look at myself, who I am, why I am the way I am, and why I believe
the things I believe.
What was the basis for all these aforementioned things? Were these
beliefs, that gave rise to my personal view of the world healthy? If not,
why was I allowing such harmful behaviors? Iím not out to hurt myself or
anyone else, for that matter. There was no one to tell me if I got the
answers right or whether I was going in the right or wrong direction. When I
posed those questions, I was asked to look deeper into myself to allow the
answer to surface. That involved digging deep and doing the ego dance. My
ego didnít want to cooperate or deal with any of what I was trying to do.
Instead all sorts of excuses came to mind, like: I was being too hard on
myself or fooling myself. Any excuse that would stop me from taking the long
hard look that would free me from these limiting and unserving beliefs I had
formed since childhood. Then, the dam broke. Its waters rushing me along an
obstacle course of incredible intricacy.
As I fought my way through, this voice inside kept telling me that
it wasnít all for naught. When the deluge subsided, I found myself floating
in the sea of My New Beginnings. As I floated in the waters of realization,
I watched the beliefs collected over my lifetime float by. All those
unserving ideals/beliefs which were largely the beliefs/ideals of others,
Truths of what others thought was right or best, interspersed with those of
my own creation. I realized that floating by me were the beliefs of my
parents, friends, and professors and of strangers whom I had blindly allowed
into my existence and my reality. With that epiphany, I began to bathe in
the waters of my truth.
From an early age, most of us are taught to absorb information,
facts and various philosophies. We are taught not to ask too many questions;
but rather to accept what we are told as truth, especially if it comes from
someone whom we are told is or perceived to be authority. However, through
questioning my beliefs Iím uncovering my truths. Sure, Iíll continue to surf
the net, read the books of which I have interest and enjoy dialogue with
those who share as well as those who donít share interests similar to my
own. The difference now though, is that with each turn of a page, click of
my mouse, or conversation; I accept them to be the experiences and truths of
others. And should their beliefs or truths resonate with my own, thatís
fine. If they do not, thatís fine too.
I know that whatever I read, hear or experience, if I permit, my
higher self will perceive that which is important for my experience or
growth and manifest it in a manner that is conducive for me. Nothing is
etched in stone. What I believe today, will change at some point. Just as a
snake sheds itís skin to accommodate its growth, I know I can shed my
beliefs to accommodate and experience new truths.
Iím a much happier person having connected with another part of
myself a higher self, per se. I realize that this reality is truly what, we
ourselves make it. That trying to live through the lives, eyes or
experiences of others caused me confusion sadness and unnecessary pain.
There are no right or wrong directions, only Direction, and even that is
only an illusion.
So, Did I find what I was looking for? Yes and No. Yes, in the
respect that I found that the realization to find what I was seeking
couldnít be found while I was looking outside myself. No, in the aspect that
looking inward has shown me that this incredible journey is never ending.
There is no it, thereís only One. The One that is all of us.
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